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Well since I have the time to actually make a post I guess now is the time. It has been a whirlwind of a few months. First my trip to Chicago in June really helped me see things so much better. I have let go of so much jayered and anger not only other people, but for myself. I finally feel like I can do just about anything and not worry about what may or may not happen. And it feels great. I'm finally happy with myself. Not completely happy with my life biut happy with myself, which is a first step that was much needed. Now on to my current situation. I have known this girl since the second grade or about 19 years. Didn't really speak much through high school, but did occasionally from classes we had. We both have the same mutual friends which leads us to now. Since she came back from college we have been fairly close. Always talking and tend to migrate towards each other at parties and other events. I have kept my distance as she has almost always been in a relationship. Even then there would be minor flirting that would happen between both of us. I didn't really read much into it until earlier this year. Even though I have had a crush or now a absurdly strong attraction to her, I brushed the flirting and signals off as nothing. Then about 4 months ago she started sending them a bit harder, though I don't think she even knew she was doing it. She was in a 3 year relationship at the time that was barely existant, so I believe she was doing it for the attention she wasn't getting from her boyfriend(whom I really like and think he is quite the nice fellow). Then they break up at the end of July. I have always been one of the people she has turned to, and this was no different. But instead of a shoulder to cry on it turned into seeing each other a lot, with in turn a lot more flirting on both sides. About two weeks ago we were at a bar waiting on some other friends and she brought up how people are saying that she and I should hook up. I ignore what she said and our friends arrive shortly thereafter. On the ride home, I can't hold in my feelings and I basically tell her that I have really liked her for quite some time and I'm completely open to the idea. She in a state if shock after seeing me open up like that, starts giving me quite the bs reasons as to why we wouldn't work. I can tell though she is pulling anything she can out of the sky to try to diffuse the conversation. Few days later it comes up again, and again she tries to play it off. Then last Saturday happened. We went to a lovely event that featured crabs(edible ones, not your crotch pets), corn, burgers, cheap beer and a dunk tank. It was a great day, a lot of fun. Even with 2.5" of rain falling from the sky in a matter of an hour and a half. Turns to night crabs, corn and dunk tank is gone but the cheap booze persists. Gets to the end of the night, and neither of us are able to drive. We are talking while on the way to a boat to sleep it off and we come up. Again she is giving me reasons as to why we won't work, and I'm countering them with reasons why hers are silly. I go to finish one up with saying that it is her choice in the long run and I will support whatever she chooses, even though one will make me rather unhappy. Before I can gee half of it out she kisses me. I was kinda flabbergasted. We stand there for awhile still making out then proceed to her vehicle where we seal the deal so to speak. Out of all the people I have kissed and well fucked I have ne'er had a feeling like this. It just felt like it fit. Like it was right. We go back to the boat and go to sleep. Next mor ing featured a very quiet breakfast as I had no idea what to say. She came over to my place last night to watch True Blood as she missed the last two episodes. We start to watch and we are cuddling the entire time. She was completely sunken into me. Again it just felt right. I walk her out after the episodes are done. Again we start talking before we can say goodbye. Talking turns to light kissing. Still feels right and she agrees bit then follows up with it is a bad idea. I ask why and she really can't give me a good answer. We start kissing again then she proceeds to run to her car while saying that she likes it but is a bad idea then speeds off. I have never been this confused before. I really like her, and by the way she kisses and looks/talks to me I can tell she really likes me. I honestly believe in my heart it will work. We are alike enough and different enough that we will be so good for each other. We have nearly the same humor level too, which is a huge plus for me. She is the only one saying it won't work. Everyone that knows the both if us that i've talked to said we will make a great couple. From what I have heard her family feels the same way. I just don't know what I have to do. I'm being as open and caring as I can. I can tell she wants it, but he can't seem to give me a solid reason that makes me say fine and back away. What's worse is she is completely stuck in my head. I dream about her(and she has said she has dreamed about me) and she is in my thoughts almost all day. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I really don't know what to do. I've asked a few people what they think and most say the same things that I have been doing. Should I walk away and give her time or move in a bit harder. Be mire sensative or just be uncaring. Anyone have any ideas? Cause I'm out of them. This really isn't whY I wanted on my mind while I'm on vacation trying to relax. I'll take any ideas, I just feel so lost. Posted via LiveJournal.app. | 
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